Monthly Archives: January 2014

Powerful of Quotes: Brene Brown

‘Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
― Brené Brown

 

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
― Brené BrownThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

 

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
― Brené BrownThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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Why do I feel this way?

The next day I called my dear brother;  ‘John, thank you so much for introducing me to Brene Brown.  I cannot begin to tell you what effect her talks have had on me.  I related to absolutely everything she was speaking about.  Thank you’.

I hung up the phone, made myself a cup of coffee and started asking myself; Why do I lack so much confidence? What happened to me that made me such a ‘people pleaser’ that I put others needs before mine despite wanting to say ‘No’ so many times?  Why do I hate my body so much? Why am I not happy with myself when everyone around me was telling me what such a good friend I was to them, how I was a great sister, daughter and mother, how incredible I looked.  I simply was unable to accept these nice compliments from anybody around me.  Why? Why? Why?

First I put it down to my upbringing. I was always told by my parents to never answer anybody back, to respect everybody regardless of how they treated me, to never stick up for myself to avoid confrontation and to be silent.  Then I thought maybe it was because of the verbally and physically abusive boyfriend I had when I was in my teens.  He was so possessive that I had to eat what he wanted me to eat, dress the way he wanted me to dress and act the way he wanted me to act.  Or possibly it was my teenage cousins telling me at 16 that I was too fat and that I should lose some weight.  Or hang on, what about the relative that sexually abused me.  It was only once, but once is plenty enough to scare and scar a 10 year old girl. Why? Why? Why?

I guess regardless of what has happened to each and every one of us in our lives, we cannot keep blaming the past forever.  There comes a time when we need to stand our own ground and take ownership of the present. Of the NOW.  So I decided that in order for me to move on and in order for me to grow as a person I needed to LET GO and LET GO of the past is what I did. I could not change the past but I could learn to live in the present and change my future.

Turning Point

As I sat with my younger brother chatting over a coffee, he looks at me and says ‘When are you going to start living’?  ’You always seem stressed and so consumed with your weight.  I can see you have been running and exercsing like a mad woman.  What are you trying to achieve’? I turn to him and respond ‘I hate myself John.  I hate my big nose, I hate the way I look.  Im sick of never feeling good about myself and I am sick of my weight determining my mood every single damn day’.

He looks at me and with a sigh says ‘Do you really want to look like every other girl’? Do you really think the pictures you see in magazines and on the internet are not photoshopped’? Diala…you need to be better then that.  You need to focus on your life, your happiness and your inner self.  Not some image of what you think you are supposed to look like’. A few minutes pass and John asks me ‘Have you heard of Brene Brown’?  I answer ‘No, I have no idea who she is’.  Well he responds, please, please, please do me a favour and listen to her TED talks on shame and vulnerability. I think they will interest you’.

Believe it or not that night I watched Brene Browns TED talks on shame and vulnerability.  I do not know what it was but there was a connection, a moment when I finished watching and absorbing in her words that I decided this negativity, this doubt of my self worth, this hate towards myself, my body stops now.  For a whole week I would youtube all of Brene Browns talks and listen and absorb.  Something in me was screaming for help, for change and it was not until this moment that I decided my way of life was going to change and I was going to start NOW.

Addiction to perfection

Staring into the mirror I look at my reflection as I did every morning. I stare at my face wishing my nose was smaller. I then look down at my stomach to make sure it is flat, then I look down at my bottom and thighs hoping that they have shrunk overnight.

I stare for another few minutes and I then ask myself why am I so fat? When will I be happy with myself? When will I look like the girls in the magazines, on the internet, Facebook, Instagram? I tell myself that I have tried everything from diet pills to starvation to binge eating and going to the gym for 2 hours a day!

I hated my nose, my body, myself. I was so consumed with trying to be what I envisioned as perfect that I stopped living and just existed in this place where society tells you what you need to look like to be accepted. I was drowning in unhappiness and I did not know what to do to save myself.