Two steps forward, one step back

Today is the first time in 4 months I have sat at my desk and logged onto my blog. I have had friends ask me why I have not written a blog post in so long. My answers have been ‘I haven’t had the time’ or ‘I haven’t had the energy’ but the real reason behind this is because I have felt myself go backwards over the last few months. I feel so frustrated with myself at the moment as I have been working on myself so hard over the past two and half years to only fall back into my previous ways of thinking and feeling.

I am feeling frustrated at situations and people in my life that I have allowed to get the better of me and that have dragged me back to a place I do not want to be. Looking at my journal and what I have written over the past 4 months some of the things I have written are as follows:

ON BODY IMAGE:

‘I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and all I saw was fat and ugly.  What will I wear today to cover my fat butt and bulging belly? When did my thighs and butt get so big? Why the hell won’t this cellulite leave me alone?’

‘I am disappointed in myself today.  I ate everything in sight and now I feel depressed and angry at myself for not being stronger.  Why did I give in?  It is going to be a bad day as I won’t be able to exercise and burn off everything I just ate’

‘I hope my husband doesn’t hug or come near me today.  I hope he doesn’t notice how much weight I have put on or how fat my thighs are getting’

ON PARENTING: 

‘I have so much housework to do today but it is such a nice day I should take the kids out to the park or do something with them.  How can I do all of it and remain sane?’

‘I yelled at the kids today and it wasn’t even their fault.  I am just angry and unhappy with myself that I took it out on the kids.  I am angry that my husband is coming home late from work which means another long day for me’.

ON FRIENDSHIPS: 

‘A good friend hurt me but I can’t say anything as I don’t want to ruin a relationship.  Maybe I am just looking into things too much’

‘I want to stay home today, not see anyone and just have some down time.  What excuse do I tell a friend that wants to catch up? If I tell the truth they may think less of me or they won’t understand’

ON BEING A STAY AT HOME MUM:

‘I am feeling guilty being a stay at home mum.  How can I justify the fact that I am at home but not sitting down all day long or going out for coffee dates and lunch dates all the time’.

‘How do I explain to my children that I am more then just a mother who stays at home.  How do I explain to them that I have a university degree, that I began work at the age of 17 and didn’t stop working until I had children at 31’.

‘How do I stop feeling bad that my husband is supporting me and my children.  How do I make him feel and know that I appreciate it so much.  How can I stop justifying myself for wanting to be a stay at home…it is not forever.  Just for now.  I just want to enjoy my children.  How do I let go of the guilt and shame and ignore judgement?’

‘Today I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to book myself a one way ticket to some deserted Island. My goodness the pressure is intense today’

The above are just some of the excerpts from my journal.  The last 4 months I have tried to convince myself I know the answers.  I tell myself who cares about your body.  Body image is not everything.  You are fit, you are healthy, your husband has never loved you as much as he does now.  Your kids adore you so why worry if your butt and thighs are too big and are they really big? What is big anyway? Argh!!

I tell myself you are doing the best you can with your children.  All they want is love.  That is what you are giving them so quit stressing about the house being spotless or if you stayed home for one day.  They still love you just the same.

I tell myself I do not need to make excuses.  If I want to be somewhere I simply say yes.  If I do not want to be somewhere then I simply say no.  There is no need for excuses.  It is my life, my time and I do not need to justify anything to anyone.  I tell myself to have no expectations from anyone to avoid disappointment but when you give wholeheartedly and by wholeheartedly I mean you do things for people with your whole heart, with no need for anything in return, with compassion and with love.

I try to convince myself that there is plenty of time for me to work or study.  And there is!  Why not embrace and just be grateful for the fact that I can stay at home with my children and just enjoy and embrace each and every moment.

So this where I am at the present moment.  I am a mixture of emotions.  I know I will get back on track and I know by sitting here today and writing my thoughts and feelings is a step forward again to being a better me and a happier mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend.

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